Meeting you....again

I met you after 5 years. 5 long years.
Our association has been long. But I never could quite figure out whether I loved you, still love you or if I hate you. You were not really a choice I guess.

You saw me after 5 years. I could not get to ask you how much change do you see in me. For, I must have changed.

To start with, I am a mother of two now. Two handsome darlings, who mean the world to me. Yes, my world has changed for sure. I have also become little brave these days I guess. May be just a tiny little bit but still a change from the time you knew me. For I am no longer petrified of ghosts, darkness, thunders or even lizards. OK, I lied. Lizards, may be still a little bit. But you dont have the luxury to be afraid when two pairs of innocent eyes are looking up to you and seeking courage from you.

Some changes must have been obvious to you I guess. May be the inches added to my waistline and reduced from the heels that I used to totter around five years back? But other than the ostensible changes, there are some good deal of re-engineering that happened on my inside too in these years. Not sure, if those were apparent to you. 

Did you realize that I have finally made peace with my self? I have finally accepted my self as the flawed, lost and may be a tad volatile human being, forever in love with life. I have left the righteous brigade some time now. Stopped trying to change myself or others. Remember, I used to question the meaning of life often when I used to be with you? Well, I no longer do. I am just happy to be overwhelmed  by life now. Last five years, I have also known loss very closely. Loss of people whom I loved, loss of relationships too. I have felt the dark despair it brings. Been enveloped with tangible darkness. I have been broken and I have also picked up the pieces again. I have also known love. Love that knows no boundaries. Love that peeks like the promise of another day to come even while the sun sets. Love that is synonymous with life itself.

 

But even while walking through this maze of life, I never forgot you. The misty feeling of early mornings when I used to walk the road to the school bus, the sweat of sultry summers, the years of hazy dreams, the beautiful feeling of finding first love, the first breakdown; nothing ever left me.

And all those tender feelings came rushing back to me when I met you again, today. I realized I have always loved you unconditionally, my dear city of joy, my dear kolkata.

My city of joy, you too have changed quite a bit in these five years. Some of your frowzy by-lanes have changed to nice wide roads and flyovers to boast now. I know all is not well. All is never well anywhere or with anyone. But today I want to bask in the good in you. And I want you to know that through love and hate, through tears and joys, in this journey of life, I have never forgotten you, nor I ever will. My dear kolkata, you will remain a part of my soul, wherever life takes me.

Todo Pasa

So, I could not sleep today. Much coveted sleep. Much more coveted was the rare chance to sleep!

But still I could not.

"Sleep", has a different connotation for mothers! Especially if you are a mother of a toddler. Even more so, if you happen to have two in place of one, like yours truly! But, I actually got a chance today. Rare chance to nap, that too in the afternoon, all by myself. Family members taking care of both my toddlers, I could sneak in to my room just to sleep! No tiny hands strangling me in sleep, no small feet kicking me in holy abandon, no one trying to sleep on my pillow leaving the entire bed seem like an abandoned football ground.

And I could not sleep.

I missed those tiny hands, the tiny feet, the battle for the pillow. So much so that I came to my long forgotten best friend and started pouring my heart out. Yes, my blog. She has been waiting for me for two years to come back to her. And I didn’t come to her. I was busy ruffling the two unruly crops of hair, kissing them million times, wiping their tears when they fell while trying to walk, jump or run. Between cleaning poop, trying to feed, putting to sleep, I was busy discovering my own self. I was lost in the songs my two year old sings, holding my face and looking in to my eyes. I still am. I am maddeningly in love with a tiny voice which says “mamma, sho” ("lie down beside me", in Bengali), so that he can snuggle with me. I am busy savouring each moment of being a mom. Each tired, sleep deprived, blog forgotten, unsocial moment.

And I know this too shall pass. “Todo pasa y todo queda” (everything passes and everything stays). That’s the way life goes. Very soon, they will not need me the way they need me today. Their world will become so vast that "mamma" will be only a tiny part in it. The world of mittens and booties will be replaced by soccer shoes may be! The tiny hands that tug at my neck and my heart, will be holding books and pens and laptops and what not. My babies will become men one day, quite soon.

But till the day passes, I welcome one more sleepless night trying to fit in the bed with both of them. I look forward to the snuggles, the endless games of hide and seek, the endless feeding tantrums, the drawings on the walls, the scribblings on my notebook. Let me sing endless lullabies even when I am exhausted after a hard day at work. Let me love being a mommy of two naughty toddlers , just for some more time.

Precious moments, don’t go away so fast that I can’t blink my eyes, in fear that these fairy-tale moments will be all gone soon.

Time, wait for this silly mommy to grow up too!