Friday, July 6, 2012

Hasta la vista, dear Daddy

Father's day came and went last month. Generally, all such days do not even cause slightest ripple in my mind. But strangely, this time, it made me remember my father. My father who left us last November. With so many people posting comments in facebook about their father being their hero, it made me think about my father, about things that I have learnt from him, about my love and gratitude which perhaps I could never express adequately. And though blogposts are not really a platform to share personal feelings, I had to give them a rightful vent. After all, it is kind of my own e-diary!

My dad was not my hero. That role was always played by mom :). In fact what my dad taught me, what I learnt from him has started to emerge only after he passed away! Till the time he was alive, he was always a source of unconditional love and affection with a kind of role reversal between him and me in his last couple of years.

As the intense pain and denial is passing away, as I am letting go of the images of my ailing, struggling father on ventilator, I am starting to remember him, think of him as he used to be in his prime and now I realize what I learnt from him.

Well, my father taught me to smile. He taught me to be happy even when things were not perfect. Without giving me lectures, without ever admonishing, he taught me this very important lesson with all his life.

His expectations were always minimal from me. He never ever asked me to do well in exams, to earn well, to make my mark in life. But he did ask me to be happy. Many a times he used to ask me to smile when I would get angry or agitated. He was a fun person to be with. Seldom speaking about his tribulations, his expectations, he was always loving us. I know he felt inadequate many a times and fumbled with so many things when he was growing old and struggling with his failing health. But he never used to show any of it. Affable, funny and lively- he struck a chord with whomever he interacted. His smile touched everybody. His love for life was immense.

He often used to say "hasta la vista"("see you later" in Spanish) and wave at me when I would leave him for going to work when he would be staying with us in Bangalore. But it was finally me, who had to say goodbye to him, without a hope of meeting ever again.

I wish I could give you more reasons to smile Baba. I wish I could ease off all your pain. I could not. I know you have forgiven me for all my failings. And I promise Baba, I will always remeber your happy, smiling face, the image of you posing smartly with my college friends for a snap, you waving me good bye from my balcony, you saying "hasta la vista" smilingly to me.

Baba I will always miss you, but I promise I will never let go of the values you taught me without ever speaking a word! Father's day or not, I will always carry you in my heart.